We know people are making fun of us. And yes, it hurts, because we know how cool we are. But we can’t go away, because we’re too important, TOO INFLUENTIAL, to just go disappear So after thinking deeply about it for a few minutes, we’ve realized what we need to do. We need to rebrand and expand. Rebranding will come in the form of more color and more good times. It’s time to show our fun side! We’re not just a bunch of sad dirty faces looking exhausted partaking in expensive recreation. We’re also happy lifestyle photos before and after our expensive recreation.
But we’re more than just a lifestyle, we’re influential people. So after reaching as far as possible in the lifestyle cycling branding world, Jahvahaah is now branching out into the world of personal branding. We’re going to start creating influencers.
Influenzal is not influential
Here’s how it works:
1. You tell us what we’re supposed to like. Then we write a blog post about how much we like it.
We’re going to take a man with little cycling history and even littler interest in riding a bike these days, and we’re going to make him an influencer. We’ve seen how important it is to get your product into the hands of sophisticated attractive young people and tell them how much they like it. People who love the finer things in life. Like bourbon and fixed gear bikes (or fixies) and coffee and sexism and flatland tricks and flat brim caps and beards and fashion and … wait… what?… some of those aren’t cool anymore?
Okay. Fine. Whatever. Forget the specifics. Whatever is cool. That’s the thing we like. And we’ll like yours if you want us too. Anything. We don’t give a fuck. We’ll even tell everyone we paid for it.
This is not a sponsorship.
We believe sponsorships serve a valuable purpose to both parties. This is more self serving than that. We just want to win free stuff and influence people. So we’re hoping to get our influencer on the into the Circlejerk League of Cyclerati Influencers, where the influencers get together on social media and share the same opinions of the same “cool” stuff to make them all successful in the eyes of the world.
So if you see this man, give him something. For free. Because he has influence. We say so.
* He doesn’t know we’ve posted his picture
** He’s actually Italian.
The Timeline of an Influencer
One doesn’t just jump into influence. It can take up to a couple of years to let everyone know that you are important on social media. A Friendster profile doesn’t just make itself 72 “friends” overnight.
2009: Fixed gear aficionado, make believe bike messenger, cheap beer connoisseur. Favorite trick is probably the double backside grindy half winslow. I LOVE PABST!
2010: Cyclocross is awesome. And I love IPA. Pabst sucks.
Still 2010: I’m really into small coffee roasters now. Also, getting some chickens.
2011: Tired of beer. Drinking mostly bourbon now. Also, too many people doing cyclocross. Really more into carbon now. Laterally stiff and vertically compliant. Considering growing a beard.
2012: Steel road bikes are cool. Never really that into carbon. Also, killed the chickens. Now raising raccoons.